Volume II : Winter 2005-6

Day-long Perspective
by Padma from Vancouver, B.C., Canada

Thank you Neelam, for forever changing my life. Nothing really happened and yet everything is always fresh and new in this bright beautiful moment. What is real is always here. What comes and goes does not matter. I bow to you beautiful one. The following poem expresses my heart.

DEVOTION
You roar through me like a river,
I dream of you at night.
My heart wants to come with you
My mind wants to resist and fight.
Though we've always been together
No beginning, no end
It's clear,
My heart is always with you
Love has lifted the veil called fear.

by Padma (copyrighted)

Retreat Perspective
by Surja from Berkeley, CA

The fall retreat with Neelam in Colorado was such a blessing, because a huge "story" in my life where consciousness has been "Velcro-ed" to pain was clearly seen as not true and dissolved. This released so much energy into Presence and Resting. What bliss!!! Of course, what I have noticed since I returned home to California, is that there is a tendency which arises in consciousness to return to the story and make a problem out there which then creates a "me" in here who is in reactivity. As I witness with love and tenderness (thank you, Neelam), there is movement back to emptiness, and once again—clarity, peace and resting is who I am. On the one hand, this seems so ordinary, so simple to return to Truth, and yet so extraordinary because all suffering disappears instantly through this recognition of the truth of who I am—who we all are, the same! I cannot believe my great good fortune. I feel such deep gratitude to Neelam, and to the amazing Satsang community in Colorado, and to all the retreat participants who created such a safe environment to explore so deeply. The breathtaking beauty of the Colorado mountains and mesas and the Presence of Papaji and Ramana permeated everything and brought expansion and light. Thank you all.

NEELAM
You are the sapphire light
piercing my heart.
You are the space
beyond my mind.
Your sword of truth cuts
the tentacles of memory.
Your gaze beholds the child within.
She recognizes who you are,
and releases the clenching.
The sweet joy of being surges.
At last.
The body says yes.

by Surja

Retreat Perspective
by Monica from Santa Fe, NM

Reflections from the Autumn Retreat 2005: Being with Neelam and everyone else in the retreat was incredible. It gets easier and easier to be here. The self-inquiry process within the retreat takes me deeper and deeper. It is so easy to be present with everyone during the retreat. The days during the retreat flow so easily. Questions are brought up and looked at. Neelam so gently points us to the truth in such a tender way. It is so easy to see within what is really going on. All of the joy and sorrow, happiness and suffering come up to be seen. Going to the retreat gives me an opportunity to take a break from my daily responsibilities within my life. It has been easier coming home this time and letting myself be with whatever arises.

Today, a month later, I found myself awaken to the feeling of being broken. I find myself embracing the feelings of broken-heartedness. Even though I could not stay at home, I embraced the feelings throughout the day as it arose in me. Neelam has shown me how to be with whatever arises. My heart did not close as I felt the feelings of a broken heart. I used to prolong the suffering with the non-allowance of my feelings. It feels so good to be alive.

Neelam spoke of our desire for freedom, as Papaji would talk about it. The biggest knowing that came from this retreat for me was that with my desire for freedom comes that my life will unfold in this direction. There is nothing for me to do except be in this moment. I am learning how to be tenderer with myself. Life is so wondrous and beautiful with whatever arises in each moment as the heart opens more and more. Thank you all for a blessed retreat.

Namaste,
Monica

Retreat Perspective
by Nina from Hotchkiss, CO

For me to meet Neelam was such a relief, it was like a gentle breeze on a spring day after a long, cold, icy winter. It's like looking into the eyes of love and tenderness, my heart cannot resist, it is such a sweet experience.

This fall was my second retreat with Neelam and on the first day I looked around wishing more people from the spring retreat were here. By the last day I felt an exquisite closeness with everyone who had journeyed so far with me. I felt awe that people had given of themselves so deeply, for all of us.

I experience such a profound invitation to be with what is really going on inside of me; this allows me to process intensely and then the resting that comes is deeper and deeper. The retreat space builds a safe zone, created with everyone's help and this becomes a place in my heart that is growing, that I can experience in more and more places and times, allowing me to be ok with what is, and I am finding it isn't as bad as I feared.

I notice relationships changing as I utilize what Neelam teaches me. I have learned that HONESTY is first and foremost with myself, only then am I able to communicate more clearly, with less projection getting in the way. I have learned when I think it is "the other," it is not, that the TRUTH is inside me. That the shift I seek is inside me, not in changing "the other." I have learned to seek TENDERNESS first, second, third and last. It is never too late to invite tenderness to be here.

I feel so fortunate for the people I have met at the retreats, thank you one and all!

Blessed be,
Nina

Retreat & Gathering Perspective
by Inessa from Shutesbury, MA

The retreat in Colorado—my first retreat with Neelam—was a wonderful, heart-opening, moving experience. A safe and supporting environment created by Neelam and all the participants encouraged deep self-exploration, emotional release and self-inquiry within the atmosphere of love and warmth. After just four short days together, I felt like all the retreat participants (40 of us!) were long-time friends. About half of us stayed behind to participate in social activities, Satsangs and land work after the retreat was over. The warm open-hearted connection established between us during the retreat did not cease! The magic continued on, through the potlucks, campfires, land work and Satsangs that followed. Each time I came to one of the activities, I felt the warm embrace of a group of friends who really care: a rare thing in our world, even among long-time friends. The hearts stayed open, there was almost magical silent beauty, a special quality to our interactions. The "Colorado" sangha is now a part of my heart.

Retreat & Gathering Perspective
by David from Fairfield, IA

The Fall 2005 retreat and gathering were really a wonderful time for me. I thoroughly enjoyed meeting new friends and spending the time in the Satsang atmosphere. It was a special time and I'm very glad I went.

Interestingly, one of the hardest challenges for me was just to get to the event. I had been going back and forth as to whether I should go or not—feeling the difficulty of getting the time off of work at such short notice, making travel plans, etc. I was also just a little bit scared of the unknown. I was "stuck," so I prayed for guidance and felt like I should just try and do one small thing in the direction of going. It so happened that I ran into someone at our local café that I had seen at a previous Neelam Satsang here in Iowa. I told him I was thinking of going and poured out my doubts and fears to him. He was very calm and gentle and responded that it was a great opportunity to be with Neelam and she was open for people who really wanted to "go all the way" in resolving whatever doubts are holding them back from realization. I felt better and it was just the lift I needed. Over the next few days I continued to think about it and take steps, talking to friends to get the courage to ask my boss for the time off, etc. Lo and behold, I got one of the last spots on the retreat, made my plans, and I was off!

From Iowa to Paonia was about 1000 miles and I took off on a Wednesday evening driving through the night into Nebraska. By Thursday night I was driving through the mountains on tranquil winding roads, listening to the great songs from the local mountain radio station. By about 10pm I was in Paonia, prowling around to find a way in to the school where the retreat was being held. I didn't figure out how to stay there but ended up at a lovely state park campground outside of Paonia. The park had an incredible mountain meadow which I explored the next day—what a magical experience—and then it was off to the retreat.

I feel blessed to have been able to spend the time in retreat with Neelam and the sanga that gathered in Paonia. I appreciate the gentleness and constant presence Neelam encouraged and provided. Little by little, I got to know people there, found the meaning of "Life" (and how to spell it), had my enlightenment ups and downs, and some great vegetarian food. There are only a few teachers I have met who I trusted as much as I do Neelam, and I believe it has made a big difference to be in her presence. It is hard to describe the experiences of the retreat since it was so personal, but I felt people were very honest and open and available and that it was a place where I felt safe to share whatever was coming up, and to accept and open gently to whatever was arising. I feel it was grace to be in Neelam's presence for such a period of time.

It was also the start of my friendship with John, Nina, Jeanine, and all of the others in the sanga. (I remember a fun if somewhat awkward dance I had with John during the retreat.) Afterwards it was like one big party! Just like I like vacations to be—kind of like summer camp. We had potlucks and Jeanine gave a class on creativity (which brought some stuff up for me), campfire stories, ping-pong dance parties where I got to watch Neelam and Life play ping-pong! (I almost beat Life in a game later in the evening when I warmed up, which was quite fun. I've since beat my boss in ping-pong—that made him quite irritated!) One of the days we worked on the land and had Satsang outside.

After the retreat a bunch of us ended up staying for a week at a house owned by a sanga member that was later named the "satsang frat house." There was a warm feeling of togetherness that I very much enjoyed and wanted to prolong. We watched movies, cooked and joked around together as we got to know one another. I just wanted to stay longer!

The trip back to Iowa was fine and a number people (including my boss) remarked on positive changes they saw in me when I returned. Adjusting to being back was not so easy and I felt that part of me was still back in Hotchkiss with my new friends. I'm coming back again in December for the New Year's intensive and parties and have planned a longer stay—which again was a little tricky to pull off. I'm glad to be connected with Neelam and the sanga in Colorado and thank everyone for their love and support.

David Seagull