Volume I : Summer 2005

Retreat Perspective
by Adrianna

To paraphrase Neelam: "Most of the time we are running around trying to heal. We forget to just let go -- to be here, where we are, even if it feels bad." Neelam has a million ways to remind us.

That is what satsang is about.

I seem to need to hear variations on that message over and over again, as I work my way down through layers and layers of conditioned thoughts. It seems the conditioning has found its way into my bones and muscles and blood, restricting, clamping down, stiffening.

Neelam's message is yoga for my spirit, a way to open and accept whatever is here. Looking into her tender, ruthless gaze, I know the truth: that this me with all its flaws is like a wave on the surface of a vast ocean of presence, silence, potential. Nothing has to change, and change is occurring all the time.

Often I am in struggle with myself, trying to resist what I am feeling in the moment. As the layers unravel, thought says: "You should be a lot more together than you are, considering all the work you've done to heal..." The emotion attached to that thought is shame. Ah, shame is present too, it is one of the waves in the ocean. Can I just feel that, and not run to hide from it, or move to change it?

Another common pattern of mine is the thought: "No one will like me if I allow the true emotions to be here." That leads to deeper suffering, and no way out.

Slowly the unpeeling is taking place. So many thought systems, so many hidden, denied emotions, so much suffering. I constantly renew my promise to be willing to be broken open. And constantly am amazed that Neelam really means it when she says, "Everything is welcome, everything is already accepted here. What you have been waiting for is letting yourself be here." Everything means EVERYTHING.

I am beginning to trust that she is telling the truth about all this.

Poems

Seva Retreat Perspective
by Glory

Beloved Satsang,
Namaste,

I feel very honored to have been asked to help cook at the Spring Retreat, during my birthday week, as well as to be able to share a little about Seva with you now, in regards to the Spring Retreat.

For many years I have been privileged to participate in Seva at my Guru's Ashram in Taos, N.M. Over the past 27 years the Neem Karoli Baba Ashram has taught many the gift of giving. The rewards of Seva are great. I started as a dish washer in Taos Ashram many years ago. It was a place of comfort and a way of learning to give. We are not really taught to give so much in this society, so, the act of Seva was new to me. Now some 25 years later it has given me so much and become a way of life.

Seva for me has become a beautiful way to interact with new relations as well as old friends. It is a very comfortable way to let go of fear and doubt and to become a part of a group and a family. Helping others has opened up my heart and my creativity.

As caretaker at the Taos Ashram many people would come to the Ashram and want to help. I realized early on that each person who comes has a special and unique gift to offer. Some would be good at gardening, some at mechanics, some at cleaning, some at cooking, some at welcoming guests, or organizing the pantry. There is always some place for the sevaite to give. And every person who helps makes a big difference as well as an appreciated contribution.

It was a wonder full time to be with Claire, Tony, and everyone in the kitchen for Spring Retreat. Going in early in the morning — while all is still quiet — starting the day with others of like mind and heart. Preparing food for Neelam and all who participate, putting lots of joy and love into the food, feeling privileged to work with such a team of skilled professionals and dear hearts. Learning new recipes and making new friends. And last but not least, enjoying the response to the food from all who where there. Aaaahhh. "God in form." Yes! It was a joy to spend my birthday week with Neelam and the sevaites in the kitchen, as well as all of you in the retreat. Thank you for this gift to give and for a wonder filled birthday. I encourage all of you to give some time, some skill, and find a part of your self you didn't know existed.

Thank You Neelam for all You give. I love you.

In Love,
Blessings,
Glory Gauri Dassi

Creativity Workshop with Jeanine
by Bryce

A short stroll down the road from Neelam's land, a group of about fifteen of us gathered on the front porch of Jeanine's home on Redlands Mesa. Jeanine, who recently moved to the Hotchkiss area from California, has been teaching painting techniques to the public for quite a few years. However, this morning was to be slightly different, as most of the participants were fresh from the Retreat with Neelam, and this was definitely not going to be a workshop centered on technique.

We were first directed by Jeanine to forage for twigs, sticks, and grasses. Upon returning to our seats, she then gave us a sheet of paper, and instructed us to look at the flower-filled vases before us, and then draw what we saw — with one catch — we were not to look down at our paper as we drew. Thus we began, dipping our quills into bottles of black ink, the process reminiscent of a time before "Roller Balls" and "Velocity Gels". I appreciated the "earthiness" of it — the imprecise chaos of drawing with a tool forged by wind, rain, and sprinkler systems.

Some time later, we put our quills down. Many had drawn two, three, even four versions, while others were absorbed in the subtleties of their very first piece. And in the space of that half an hour or so, I noticed that the porch seemed to be humming with a quiet vibrancy.

Most of us then spoke of our experience. I enjoyed hearing the various perspectives, and was at times deeply moved by the honesty, vulnerability, and insight being expressed. It was toward the end of our time together that a question kept tugging at me: what is creativity? My presuppositions upon entering the workshop were that the creative act takes place mainly in front of a canvas, or on a stage, or while throwing a lump of clay. And yet, folks around me were pointing out that the light glistening through the dewy grasses on the lawn, the blush in the iris, the warmth of the sun, the whisper of the breeze, all of these were flashes of the creativity of consciousness itself.

I was finding it easy to perceive all things "good" and "beautiful" as creative acts, but what about the desperate wailing of my son, or the anger that sometimes floods chaotically through me? All of this, so quickly delegated to the "Trash Bin" of my psyche — those experiences I'd rather not experience.

What occurred for me that morning was a deepening of the understanding that a true life is lived from acceptance of all that is. The infant in my arms who is crying and flailing as I type this, the oppressive 105 degree heat I sometimes feel smothered in, the amount of work piling up on my desk, the scenarios go on and on — but I find, more and more often, a capacity or willingness to be with what is.

My gratitude extends to Jeanine and all who participated, for co-creating such an open space at the workshop.

Dances of Peace/Ping-Pong/Potluck/Dancing
by Arlyn (The open house potluck as seen by the DJ)

I arrived near the end of the dances of peace and the energy of the space was quite sweet. After spending the week together in a silent retreat, it was nice to have a speaking potluck and spend some time getting to know the people who had gone so deep together the week before. Ping-pong was a success — and I love that Neelam likes to play. It's just so good to see consciousness playing ping-pong is different and yet the same as consciousness in Satsang. For me, dancing is always a sweet way to spend the evening and it is so much more fun to dance with friends than it is to dance alone in my room, so I was happy to DJ and dance the night away as the men battled it out on the ping-pong table. I, as a person under 30, also appreciate the gatherings that appeal to the younger community and enjoy ping-pong and dancing as a way to bring the younger people together. The gathering was also the inspiration for another dances of peace, potluck and dance party that a friend and I hosted last week.

Hike/Satsang
by Alex

We set out mid-morning on an hour car ride to the start of the hike up Grand Mesa: a caravan of cars on a dry, windy road, dust flying everywhere. When we got to a gate marking the start of the trail, we all piled out of the cars and started climbing — this time on foot. It wasn't long before I started feeling the altitude. I just told myself to go at a pace I needed. I was grateful that we all were taking it slowly, perfect for meditation or conversation with people whom I had recently met. There were about 15 of us, so you could easily strike up a conversation, join one, or just walk quietly with the group. I did all three.

When the time came, we gathered in a shady spot for Satsang, sitting in a circle facing each other either on a rock or a log or in the grass. There were people from the retreat and some new faces as well. But that didn't matter. It felt like we were all family. It was more intimate than I had ever experienced Satsang before. After sitting quietly for several minutes, a few of us spoke from the heart or asked questions. Neelam was ever Neelam: fully present, gentle and so simple. But it was the silence that was the most powerful; being together in Neelam's presence; in the presence of others in the group; with the dappling of the sun shining around us through the trees and the sounds of nature. I was experiencing my teacher's teachers as never before.

As I walked down the dirt path, back to the car, I noticed I was feeling much better than on the way up, a bit hungry, but in another way, quite full.

Satsang on the Land/Catered Lunch/Hotchkiss Land Project/Dances of Peace
by Jeanine

After the May Retreat, Fire of Truth hosted five days of events and gatherings, in Hotchkiss and on the Land.

All of us here in Hotchkiss are so excited that we were able to attend the first Satsang with Neelam on the Land. What an amazing event! Another opportunity to experience community as well as the gift of sharing in Satsang together was quite beautiful and continues to be profoundly meaningful. It is always a blessing to deepen into Who we are through Satsang with Neelam.

We also celebrated together by dancing on the lawn with Bernie leading the Universal Dances for Peace — such a touching connection with all the participants. We extend a heart-felt thank you to Bernie for we have now had a number of dances led by him and all of us truly find them to be another way of being together in community.

Once again we assisted as a group in the annual tree planting ceremony. The tree count continues to grow as we added an additional 130 tiny trees in anticipation of their growth and shade.

Make sure you mark your calendar for the next scheduled events to be celebrated on the Land. September 2nd is the Fall Retreat that will be followed by yet another gathering on the Land filled with exciting events.

Bio-diversity Preservation Workshop
by Randy

Gita asked me to write a short piece about my experiences and impressions with Gabriel at the workshop he gave on the last day of this year's Spring Retreat here in Hotchkiss. By way of introduction, I am known to those of you who live locally as "the mold dude"; having been engaged for the past several months in remediating the mold under Neelam's house, my first job as care-giver to the farm. To others, you may know me as the one who has been answering your inquiries about this year's trip to India. Gabriel is, of course, Gabriel Howearth who has made a life work of saving seeds and preserving rare and common species for a day when the world wakes up and asks "where have all the healthy, good tasting food plants gone?" This is only the tip of the iceberg of his interests and accomplishments but I'll let him tell his own story; perhaps you can get that first hand if you come and join us for Fall Retreat this September.

The workshop was — well, how can I say this honestly but still be upbeat? — it was a bit of a yawn. It was at the end of the retreat; it was ill planned, poorly attended, uncomfortable, a bit too long, and lacked a strong vibe. And yet, I was captivated and sat through a lengthy slide show long after my butt and stomach said, "Let's go home." A few others were equally captivated by some sort of mysterious magnetism. I have to take personal responsibility for some of the short comings. I didn't get the word out soon enough nor broad enough, nor did I do a pre-event site inspection. My apologies go to those who attended the workshop (or did not even know to attend) and to Gabriel as well. I plan to do better at the Fall Retreat. And I think it will be better because I have had time to sit with the things that we talked about in a series of meetings with Gabriel.

It was at one of those meeting that I first started to get the drift of where Gabriel was coming from and going to. I had been given the 'job title' of farm care-taker and during a lively, enthusiastic ideation session Gabriel subtly said, "No, care-giver." The nuance of difference here may seem slight but is truly powerful. Care-giver has a softer edge and has a tone of stewardship instead of dominion; and where care-taker may have a note of servitude, care-giver has a flavor of service. There is in that latter term an understanding of the interdependence of the land and its occupants; that the support is mutual and cyclical.

We are at the beginning stages of a process that will take several years to begin to bare fruit. What I am speaking of here is the utilization of the land Neelam has bought. One aspect of this utilization is the vision of many acres of botanical/spiritual gardens that will serve as sanctuary to birds, botanicals, and Sangha alike. It is too early to answer what that will exactly look like because the design process itself is intended to be slow and organic as are the plants we will grow. Gabriel's basic operating paradigm is Permaculture.

One of the basic tenants of permaculture is to listen to the land and spend time there before deciding what to mow, grade, or grow. That is the phase we are in now, we are listening, we are watching; and yes, we've done a little mowing too. Those who were at Spring Retreat may have actually done the mowing or helped Gabriel and Neelam with some planting. Those who attend Fall Retreat will also have the opportunity to get a little dirt under your fingernails, or perhaps just to walk and listen to what this land might say to you. Gabriel will be back for the open house week after the retreat, and we will do some more listening and also a little planning.

Part of Neelam's vision is to build a community of willingness to live in Truth. I sensed that this was also part of Gabriel's awareness and that in spite of the poorly planned workshop, he got the deep hit that this could become a home for himself and his wife. I, too, learned something about planning and plans, ambitions and desires. I have been walking and working the land daily and listening to what it has to say, and I encourage you to come and walk with us and listen as well.

When Gabriel left I had a list of research topics to explore and when he returns we will digest the findings and start another round of asking and listening. It is that organic growing process that both he and Neelam speak about; viewed from several perspectives but acknowledging the primacy of one Heart, that Heart which is our very Self.

In Service,
All Love,
Randy

Letter from Lee

Dear Sanga,

Over a year and a half ago I sat in my first Satsang ever. It was in a beautiful house out on the edge of the mesa on the edge of town, and as I sat in silence, waiting for the teacher to speak, I had absolutely no idea what was about to happen to me. I cannot tell you the words she spoke or even the subject, and I know now that I didn't really understand what she was speaking of. In my heart I just knew that it was vital, important, and that I wanted more. I said a short prayer of thanks for this sweet blessing. But that was just the beginning of so, so much for me. Within a month of that initial Satsang experience, I started to work for Neelam and Life. It was a part-time temporary position that has now blossomed into a more-than-full-time Life Altering experience!

I shared the office duties with another, Amber Dawn, whom you all probably know in one way or the other. Well, things were always busy, busy and even hectic at times, but I think Amber and I made a pretty good team and we managed to get it all done. Then Amber left early this past spring to have her baby and to become a full-time mom to precious Koen as well as business partner for husband Bryce. This left Fire of Truth with a very large void to fill and, as of this writing, that void has not completely been cared for, though we try.

Now, with the help of many volunteers such as Whitefeather, Jeanine, Gita, Adrianna and many, many more, we are managing to keep Neelam busy. The spring event, of course, is the 5-Day Spring Retreat here in the Hotchkiss/Paonia. The preparations for this event started right after the Fall Retreat last September and continued right up to the very last minute. We don't just register people for an event like this — no! I'd like to think that we go the extra mile and do our level best to make certain that everyone gets all the information they may need ahead of time to make their time here the best experience possible.

In addition to the retreat, spring is a time to start preparing for one of our two yearly requests for financial support, which is sent out to everyone on our mailing list. This is a carefully thought-out process — how to tactfully and gracefully ask for money — not always an easy or comfortable task. But, as we have told you before, it is only the generosity of your hearts that allows Neelam to continue this most important Teaching of Truth.

But creating the letter itself is only half the project. There is getting it to the graphic artist person so that he can prepare it for print. Then there is working with the printer to get it done as quickly and perfectly as possible. And always there is the updating of the data base and preparing the mailing labels — lots of time and work and effort by many.

In addition to these two large projects, there are the continual arrangements that must be made in order to get Neelam to her different teaching locations. Who was it who said something like "God is in the details!"? Well, trust me, that is the case here. Details. Connecting with the local volunteer coordinators, setting dates, buying airline tickets, confirming locations, creating advertising, updating the website, housing for Neelam, setting up private appointments while there, arranging for the sound equipment to be set up, etc., etc., etc. And more!

Of course, it goes without saying that, additionally, the business of Fire of Truth Satsanga must happen as well — bills need to get paid on time, supplies ordered, phones and emails must be answered, floors need to be swept, trash cans need to be emptied and someone needs to water the plants!

So, there you have it, dear ones — life at 205 E. 3rd in Paonia. If you are ever in the neighborhood, please stop in for tea.

Namaste,
Lee

Stories that need to be told:
by Arlyn Deva Heideman, June 2005

This is how it is in here,
and I am afraid.
Afraid to let you know that I pray often and always
for guidance, for holding.
That I like the sound of my own voice.
That if I don't honestly get people to do what I say every few days I get antsy.
That speaking in front of an audience gives me an energy rush and I like it,
and that's why I dance.
What is rotting away?
What is this agitation?
In nature, it is okay - the agitation is wind or rain or earthquakes or avalanches
and it's not a problem.
The birds must twitter because they are birds,
The ocean must rock because it is ocean.
The animals must eat each other because it is life.
It just is.
It is life and they must eat each other.

I want to scream.
I want to shriek at the top of my lungs and then go back to writing.

I am so frustrated by these words, by this expression. I want true creativity. I want to catch the tail of the dragon and ride it all the way to enlightenment.

When I feel more or less okay, I almost miss - no, I do miss - the intensity of the freakout
the life or deathness - the uncontrollable rawness
the no excuses, "this is how it is in here."
When I can maintain, when I can move forward and make phone calls
it's disappointing because it is not wild or powerful
but instead it is fine and habitual and apologetic.
I miss the "this is how it is"ness when I'm moving normally.
Though it could come back at any moment,
the incomprehensible intensity of whatever it is, and I am afraid.
My head is starting to hurt, I'm starting to feel wobbly.
Somehow beneath the story , beneath these words is something else.
Beneath these words there is everything, nothing? Unknowingness.

Where am I taking us?
Where are we trying to go?
Where? Here. Now. What is true? this.
Who is this me,
this one precious breath?
or maybe cereal or maybe the bathroom
or or or
running and hiding and praying and seeking.
Listening and offering. Pushing and resisting. Back and forth, back and forth.
I couldn't do it - I couldn't stay out of the world.
I couldn't stay retreated.
I can't, don't want, either in or out of the human condition

- this life
wild and messy
riding the edges of consciousness the arc of power
the rise and fall, rise and fall of my breath.

The wind, the birds, the cars, the waterfall, the hopeless powerful magic of it all.

• June 26
• Fairfield, Iowa — Daylong
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 08/26/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• July 17
• Connecticut — Intensive
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 09/17/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• July 22-24
• Boston, Massachusetts — Intensive
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 09/24/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• July 30
• New York, New York — Daylong
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 09/30/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• August 20
• Vancouver, B.C., Canada — Daylong
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 10/20/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• September 2-5
• Hotchkiss, Colorado — 4-Day Autumn Retreat
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 11/05/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• September 6-10
• Hotchkiss, Colorado — Autumn Gathering & Open House
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 11/10/05. Thanks, the editor.)

• October 30 - November 26
• Trip to India
• (Submissions for this event are welcome. Submission deadline: 11/23/05. Because this trip happens so late in the year, the deadline is the same as the Winter Newsletter deadline. Any submissions beyond this deadline, which are still encouraged, will be included in the 2006 Summer Newsletter. We want to hear about and include your experiences in India. Thanks, the editor.)

Call for Submissions

As you see above, these are national listings that are included in our Upcoming Events section of the newsletter. The writers of this newsletter cannot be in attendance for all of these events. This is a call for submissions from participants. If you attend one of these events and would like to make a submission for the next newsletter, please make your submissions via email. The final date for submission for the December newsletter is November 23rd. Please understand that we cannot use all submissions but will attempt to include the voices of our wider Satsang community whenever possible.